learning to trust...

----this is an "I" post------

God, You're amazing indeed.
Thanks for reminding me that I CAN trust You to come through with Your promises. And that you are guiding my decisions, my thoughts, my actions. I trust You, God. my Rock. My foundation.

Yet...I fail in this relationship a lot. As much as I try to grab hold of You and not let go, I always have a fear in my mind, anticipating the next time I fail You. I wish it would stop...to let You grab hold of me...and make me let myself go. I need to trust you in this area.

so maybe I don't trust you all the way yet. ...still learning. still giving little bits at a time...

Countless times, I've given my life to You. "I give You all of me", I sing. "This life is Yours", I say. and yet...if my life was really all Yours, I wouldn't have to say it again, to drift away and need to be renewed. I guess it's a good thing, though, to renew my commitment often.

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Anywho, Lord, a friend and I have decided for sure to do this thing this summer. After talking about it a lot, and praying a bit (sorry, this part needs brushing up), I feel like there's not that many other options. I'm feeling more confident since there are those that believe we're capable...but I'm hoping, longing for more confirmation.

Deep down I still feel inadequate. Tim mentioned that it's a good thing, inadequacy, because it allows for more growth and flexibility. But it's gonna take one of my weakest...weaknesses. I'm fearing that I will, like last year, get distracted, stressed, & departed from You. That's my greatest fear right now.

Thanks for placing Friend in my life, first and foremost a friend, and a prayer and accountability partner, one who hears me and who can be heard by me. It's such a joy to talk and share with her, Lord! You've definitely blessed me beyond what I'd hoped for.

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I've realized that every time I'm in a leadership position, I get prideful, the feeling of superiority, and the consciousness of every situation, instead of living it. I'm afraid to be a leader because I don't foster growth and interdependence, I simply "help" them myself. In the end, the attention and credit comes back to me. I want to be able to see more potentioal in those under my leadership than they see in themselves. I want to be able to encourage them to depend on eachother, and to be able to help and grow with eachother, and not just with me.

I admire Nancy for her longing to simply be a friend, not someone older and to be respected, or a mentor, even, but simply someone at the same "level", so to say. It's so hard to see it that way.
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I wish people didn't admire me. Or look up to me. Because I know that I'd disappoint them.....


Lord of Creation,.... I have so many doubts and inadequacies that fill my mind. I'm afraid, I'm prideful, and I'm blessedly thrown opportunities from every direction. I know what I need to do, God...and I know it's impossible without You.

Thanks for being so....good.