grrrrr....last night i was so angry--at certain people, at myself, at the situations around me....
i tried praying, i told God everything that was on my mind..or did i? i kept imagining myself venting out on other people instead of God. almost as if God isn't tangible enough to me...i don't feel like He's gonna answer, or respond right away. don't get me wrong. i BELIEVE he will, in his own time and way, but i don't FEEL it. i like the human way of talking and getting comments right then.
...............
or is it that i don't truly believe enough that he's there and present?? is that why i always pray for his presence?
Lord.....Master....

ah! guilt kicks in again. even here, even when i say the Name, i think of people reading this and what they'll think. *sigh*
============================================
i've been reading other people's blogs, and hearing sunday messages; they're all saying the same thing: slow down, breathe.
maybe everyone else is learning the same thing i am. or maybe i just think i'm learning it cuz everyone else is. oh whatever.

anyways...i've been so busy with stuff, that i hardly take a moment to have a good conversation with anyone. so rushed nowadays, yet so lazy. but that's no the point. i haven't gotten to know anyone better...i'm too focused on other tasks and being a 'leader', that i don't take the chance. and when i do, i kinda just shy away from it cuz i'm a bad conversationist anyways. rarely had a conversation without breaks. darn i hate talking. i hate not knowing what to say, not having a good comment for something. or not making people laugh.
i love making people laugh, cuz then i feel accepted.

talking about acceptance.....another thing i've realized is that i'm never gonna really be a part of this...world. this culture. i don't know what to talk about, i don't do the same things people do. i don't find getting drunk or gambling or watching family guy something to laugh about or to be proud of.

and talking about family guy...(i know this is gonna offend a lot of people--you can yell at me later, whatever)....i don't see how God-loving, children of light can watch it. do you even dare to think of God when it's on?? i mean, just LOOK at it!!! it's disgusting--the jokes, the type of humor--why do you watch that CRAP??? i see why this world is called a "perverse world".

maybe i'm insensitive to the influence and the way people are raised here, and maybe i'm just overreacting against a "fine" show, or extremely sheltered and too narrowminded. maybe it's that i've only watched one show (ironically, during a church softball bbq)and shouldn't judge so quickly, and maybe i'm being obnoxious and entirely wrong. probably all of them. but maybe i'm simply more aware of the devil's traps against us. oooh...i feel like a preacher. but grr, everytime i see it or hear of it...it just makes me mad.

[silence] *sigh*

i'm usually a people pleaser, never try to offend anyone, not even my family. i guess today's an exception. and i cant say sorry this time, cuz i mean every word of it.

i'm so out of it. am i just....wrong??